At my Grandmothers 90th
Been quite some time since I wrote here… I have been processing the death of my Grandmother, and what that means to our family. Other health scares for our family have been fielded too, being present to them, the only thing that anyone can do.
Life. Tis ours to live as we can, not always as we choose it may seem, but perhaps we do choose, on some level, even if we just choose to ignore.
Gran died only a week after Seven Sisters. So, in lots of ways, I’m only just returning from there too, which was such an intense time as well.
As most of my work is about the bounty and beauty of being a woman, losing the Matriarch of our family hit deeply, perhaps much deeper than I thought. She was 95, this photo from her 90th was really her last real party. T’was her legacy that has been huge to bear, the stories of her, so much larger than life, than that tiny fragile woman laying so very still.
I was the only one of my generation that spoke at her funeral… I truly needed to. I am posting my words here in honour of her, my Granny Anne…
A Eulogy.
To let go… to listen within… to let the grieving begin.
To turn and face the pain… the fear… to recognize the powerlessness to change this… for this is death… an end… a pathway closed beyond our vision… beyond… She’s gone… She’d been going for quite some time… but seemed to need to linger… as long as she needed… As I accept the permanency of this corner turned, this leap across the divide made… I turn… and I invite you to, too… to focus upon the life lived by an invincible woman… a no nonsense, maybe not the best with children, take no shit, powerful woman…
When I really met her, in my 20’s, when there was no need for her to be responsible for me, I met the woman… the free spirit that flew off to Hawaii… that lived and loved Africa deeply… the writer, like me… only a little like her. My grief, as different from yours, as all of us will be… we all have such different views, perspectives, experiences of her… we would all have brought forward different parts of her, for her to experience…
I give thanks to the wonderful woman that made my wedding cake… That shared her wedding day in the beautiful Dandenong’s… I am grateful for the woman that would sun-bake nude no matter the noise of terrified teenagers… I give thanks for the stories I tell about her, tell myself and others of how courageous and power-filled she was… I give thanks for the truth of how fragile her strength was and how dependent she became and how that never seemed to diminish her absolute authority of her life… She know what she wanted and would have it thank you… for this I am grateful. That from her, this woman, loved me… as she loved all her family, fiercely… An era has closed… as the next generations flow… Her daughters, granddaughters, and great-granddaughters, present, we all share that power now… as she has passed the baton… not that her son’s and grandson’s and great-grandsons are not cherished, nourished and loved but perhaps what they carry is a respect for women instilled by her… and to be fair, I never really knew her in partnership… But the legacy of a strong woman, is stronger daughters, granddaughters and great-granddaughters…. As we lay to rest our Matriarch, I am grateful to have known, loved and been loved by my Granny… May you rest in Peace Granny.
As I am learning to call myself a writer, as she described herself, I realize that there may not be harder words to write than a Eulogy for someone we love… Two weeks ago she arrived in my dreamscape, as I remember her from my 20’s, full of freedom and artistry. In the dream she was helping me achieve something… I am beginning to feel that her presence on the other side of my life is already bringing such power. May your Mother Line be clear and strong. If not, then come and sit with me, for this is part of my life’s work.
Living Circles 